If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.