I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”