I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah