My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
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I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.