I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
When someone trying to leave me
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
no their not
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”