I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
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Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
new wife guy just dropped
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?