Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Easy enough.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.