A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
You Might Also Like
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.