Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?