I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
The Joker was right
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.