LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
#milo