My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.