you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.