Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.