*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
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It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up