My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
You Might Also Like
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*