Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
You Might Also Like
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.