Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck