Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly