*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
You Might Also Like
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*