My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
A short story about romance.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver