asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.