I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.