My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
tell em, edith-anne
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…