Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
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if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?