🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
can’t wait til they legalize outside
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot