Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Somebody call the cops.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.