I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
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Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
That’s amazing.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Bootstraps