Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Sharon, call the vet
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
This week’s mood.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.