wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
This checks out
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.