me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.