The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.