tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns