[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT