He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
wait.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.