If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
You Might Also Like
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”