HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
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New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?