Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
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Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
3% human
97% stress
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!