even bears disappoint their mothers
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[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!