I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it