cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
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Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If I ignore life will it go away?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?