I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
You Might Also Like
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
He’s cranky this morning
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*sewing*
A thread
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Basketball
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.