When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
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What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
IT’S-A ME,
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator