*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
pep talk
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”