Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I hate when that happens.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.