gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Every work meeting this week
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.