[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
@funTweeters I am at your service….
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.