Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
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[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”