I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
🔦🌙👣
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino