Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?